There's Nothing Quite Like a McDonalds

Courgette crumble - best served with an egg.

From: Richard
Sent: 13:23
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: B&B

Why howdy there…

Mmm! We had courgette crumble last night and it was delicious. We had it with grilled tomatoes, but wished we’d had a fried egg apiece as well. I would definitely recommend an egg based accompaniment. Also, I found that the quantities in the recipe were designed to feed whey-faced and enfeebled vegetarians. Non hemp trouser wearing folk certainly need bigger portions – I found that two thirds of the amount for four was perfect for two. I also accidentally burnt the onion (only slightly though), but found that this added a delicious extra layer to the flavour.

Hmm… I can’t decide what to have for my lunch…


------------
From: Ryan
Sent: 28 August 2008 13:38
To: Richard
Subject: RE: B&B

Howdy,

Why not treat yourself to a bread cake for lunch? Isn’t that what you eat in the North, but by rights it should be for dinner surely, unless you have turned into a namby-pamby southerner!?

Just went out to Tesco at lunch time and scored a Rat Pack compilation for £1 which is not bad, I expect the sound quality is shocking though.

The Rat Pack thought bread cakes was a funny name too.

------------
From: Richard
Sent: 15:05
To: Ryan
Subject: I'd rather Michael Winner had shat in my open mouth.

Oh God! I wish I had had a breadcake for my dinner…

Instead, I’ve been gastronomically gang-raped by Ronald McDonald and his hamburgling pals. Tempted by the promise of a free coke can shaped glass I foolishly decided to risk a trip to the Golden Arches for my lunch. Remembering how vile their standard menu was I instead opted for their seasonal “specialty”: The Oriental BBQ Beef”. Considering the fact that this oversized limited edition burger cost about as same as the average Chinese Olympic stadium builder’s yearly salary I assumed it would, at the very least, be freshly prepared and still hot. But oh no! What lurked behind the white-toothed grins of the Maccy Ds loving athletes festooned all over the packaging appeared to have been prepared at some point during the Tang Dynasty. Flat cold and sorry in a stale bun the Oriental BBQ Beef was about as enticing as an hour long feltching session with Christine and Neil Hamilton. Upon further inspection I found the pak choi garnish broke down to a kind of dark green mucous when probed with an exploratory digit, and the unnaturally thick cheese slice to have the texture of partially dried Copydex. “But come” I thought to myself, “this is all mere surface detail. Would not the delicious celeriac root be discarded untried if judged by its external livery? Come my boy: tuck in and discover its true nature”.

Would that I had taken issue with my internal voice and mutinously tossed the offending burger through the window of the car, for – before even my teeth had met in the patty’s middle – I discovered that the cover of this particular book was (amazingly) its finest feature. The Oriental BBQ Beef is so utterly and completely repulsive as to induce a kind of self-defensive delirium in the diner. Contorted with revulsion I nearly sprayed the dashboard with half-chewed “food” in my hurry to evict the foul-tasting coprolitic pat of devil-filth from my tortured palate. I could genuinely have derived more gustatory satisfaction from a cold slice of stale toast thickly spread with the fecal matter of a sick dog. The tastebuds of the poor souls that work in the McDonalds test kitchen must have completely burnt away from years and years of salt, sugar and MSG. Whatever you do, do not try this burger.

Yo, I gotto go: my bowels are rebelling against the hostile presence of the BBQ Beef…

His crimes against gastronomy finally caught up with him.

------------
From: Ryan
Sent: 15:11
To: Richard
Subject: RE: I'd rather Michael Winner had shat in my open mouth.

Hilarious!!!

I have made the mistake of ordering off the ‘Summer Menu’ before which I think means that the food has been left out in the summer sun for a week to “enhance” the flavour and texture before serving. I also once got the “Deli Sub” crap, which turned out to be some chicken nuggets in a baguette with too much sauce, and some wilted salad. If you do have to eat at Ronald’s place (who I believe is incidentally being rather quietly phased out as he scares kids and looks like a child molester) there are only two burgers worth having – the cheapest one used to be the 99p double cheeseburger, or a big mac. These are either simple enough to get right, or they have had plenty of practice.

A tasty burger?

------------
From: Richard
Sent: 16:47
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: I'd rather had shat in my open mouth.

There’s nothing even remotely funny about the Oriental BBQ Beef.

I too have tried the Deli Subs (well I tried one) and should really have learnt my lesson there and then about straying from the safety of the Cheesburger / Quarter-Pounder / Big Mac trinity. As I remember it was reminiscent of a fully masticated sauce-slathered happy meal that had been subsequently regurgitated into a sauce sodden bun before more sauce was added to the unholy sauce-soaked mess. Delish!

Michael Winner: A gourmet and a hunk

If he really likes you he might call you "Big Bollocks"

Ramsay with a knife. Ooo.

From: Ryan
Sent: 20 November 2008 15:33
To: Richard
Subject: Ramsay

Bleedin’ ramsay is doing his live cookalong thing again this weekend. Have you had the misfortune of watching it yet? I watched a bit of one episode, and I think unless you are a pretty good cook (like me, and I suppose I would even go so far as to say, you) or have practised about 100 times before it is going to be impossible to do, what with Ramsay jumping around and shouting a lot, going too fast for anyone who isn’t a professional chef and calling everyone “Big Boy” and informing them to grow some testicles.

Anyway, this week it is retro 70's style and he is going to demonstrate how to mix ketchup and mayonnaise together (prawn cocktail), how to cook a steak and a rather hideous looking mandarin cheesecake! I don’t think I shall be taking part!

I was going to ask you something else in this email, but sadly I have now forgotten what it was.


----------------
From: Richard
Sent: 21 November 2008 10:25
To: Ryan
Subject: If he really likes you he might call you "Big Bollocks"

Ha ha! What a fuckin' cock he is. It seems that you find him every bit as laughable and irritating as I do. Why all the swearing Gordon? Why the bollock obsession? Why the staccato almost military recipe delivery? Oh… I see: because you’re still struggling to reconcile your prodigious testosterone pumped masculinity with the fact that you basically make a living from women’s work. One half of you still believes that the only time a man should ever enter the kitchen is to empty the rubbish bin on his way out to the chippy for a pie, whilst the other half is just aching to rustle up some delightful little petit fours.

Get back on the football pitch and grow some real bollocks you poncing, la-di-daa, “can-I-lick-the-bowl-clean” mummy’s boy. I bet you have nightmares about Jeremy Clarkson beating you up and stealing your lunch money.

And how does he get away with his patently sexist bollock schtick? It seems that someone’s value as a person is – in Ramsay’s view – directly proportional to the size of their testicles. In the case of women he bestows them with honorary testicles if they do well, as if to say that despite being a woman they’ve managed to rise to the occasion almost as well as if they had real testicles. Once again it points to his hidden shame about the feminine nature of his chosen domain. “Look!” He demands, “this is a real kitchen where real work takes place. This is no domestic womanly zone. No, this is a battleground: a culinary amphitheatre where only those with the most massively oversized balls shall prevail”. Pathetic.

And his recipes are shit. I once tried to follow one in a magazine, and, if I hadn’t been a reasonably experienced cook, I’d have been fucked. It was poorly written, vague and clearly the work of someone who is used to having an army beneath him to deal with the various preps and peelings of a busy kitchen. I think I ended up using pretty much every pan in the kitchen, my stove bristling with dangerously teetering and steaming pots. And, after all that work the results were flat and uninteresting.

I can’t imagine how anyone is meant to keep up with the nutter on the cook along. He darts and jabbers like some amphetamine fueled dervish with attention deficit disorder. Have you ever seen him being interviewed? When he’s not talking (with massive hand gestures and wildly rolling eyes) his hands and feet jig around like he’s got the DTs. What’s he running from? Who’s he trying to impress? Why does he need to constantly increase his empire? Another restaurant every week; a new show; a new book; a marathon to run; yet more children to sire: gotta be the best! GOTTA BE THE BEST!!! Christ! Can you imagine what his wife has to put up with?

Ramsey had high hopes for the efficacy of the Blessed Waters of Lourdes in curing his testicular elephantiasis

And as for his sickening courting of the vacuous celebrity world! Urgh! It makes me feel physically ill. Have you seen the F Word? It’s an egregious display of ego massage and mutual celebrity masturbation. The whole setup is so appallingly contrived what with all the exposure-craving B-listers sat chowing down at the tables whilst the camera flirts teasingly with them. “Oh when will it be my turn to be ritually insulted by Gordon” they wonder. I’m sure if they could they’d all have their hands in the air, straining, probably being supported by the other arm so as get it just that bit higher than their peers, “ooh Gordon, Gordon! I’m over here Gordon! Ooooh please Sir, can I be next?”. What kind of ego does it take to build such a Church for your own worship? The man’s got a messiah complex!

God he’s a jerk.

Done.

Janet Street Porter struggles to come to terms with the fact that she will always be one Y chromosome short of having a truly massive pair of nads.

----------------
From: Ryan
Sent: 21 November 2008 10:33
To: Richard
Subject: RE: If he really likes you he might call you "Big Bollocks"


Ha ha! Down with all celebrity chefs – Ramsay, Smith, Oliver, Lawson… and as for AWT and his stupid stubby little fingers. Yuck!

I have seen the F Word occasionally – I particularly despise Janet Street Porter and her search for unusual food . Camels milk is not meant to be drunk by people!! And as for dry ostrich meat, no thanks. What I find particularly amusing is the celebrity cook-off where Ramsay invariably loses to some celebrity who has cooked something like tinned macaroni cheese compared to Ramsay's overly posh, dry, too fancy “macaroni a la fromage”.

He even lost to David Blunkett, and he had to have a dog helping him find the potato peeler.

Blunkett displaying the confidence and poise possessed only by those with the biggest of bollocks.

----------------
From: Richard
Sent: 21 November 2008 12:53
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: If he really likes you he might call you "Big Bollocks"

P.E.N.I.S.

I would like to think that even my wife – that’s right, my wife – could beat “Chef Ramsay” in a cook-off. Jeez! I once had an ostrich steak and it was the driest, most boring piece of meat in the world. Unsurprisingly my good friends X, Y and Z (“very well done please”) think that ostrich is the steak of the Gods thanks to its bland, dry homogeneity and total lack of lubricating fat or indeed flavour. Coincidentally they also think that Ramsay is one of the greatest living Englishmen and that all the other chefs on TV are “middleclass poofs, faggots and gayboys”.

Speaking of middleclass poofs, faggots and gayboys, I don’t suppose you happened to see that “What to Eat Now” program? It was cool and the dude doing it – Valentine Warner – was the best food dude I’ve seen on the box ever. I’ve never seen anyone more orgasmically enthusiastic about their scran, and the food he cooked looked thoroughly delish and no-nonsense. I recommend checking him out if he’s on the ol’ iplayer.

Valentine Warner is continuing his campaign against the hair brush.

----------------
From: Ryan
Sent: 21 November 2008 13:01
To: Richard
Subject: RE: If he really likes you he might call you "Big Bollocks"

I haven't caught Valentine yet, I will be sure to check him though. Anyway, if they don’t like middle class faggots, how come they like Gordon "Posh Boy Big Bollocks" Ramsay!? He is, by his own admission, not an Englishman but a whey faced scot! I don;t know what happened to his accent though, or his haggis and fried mars bar induced greasy skin and gut.

Of Cabbages and Cream

From: Ryan

Sent: 10:55
To: Richard
Subject: Not hot chilli

Good morning good sir,

How was your weekend? Good times? I cooked chilli last night and it was disappointingly not spicy, despite using 4 hot chillies and plenty of “hot” chilli powder. I am pretty sure I still have taste buds, but it just was not spicy.. any ideas why?! It had potatoes and beans in as well as the standard chilli con carne stuff.

Eggs’n’taters.

Ryan


------------
From: Richard
Sent: 11:48
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: Cabbages and Cream

I cooked one of the most delicious things I’ve ever eaten on Saturday: cabbage pasta! It was a recipe from my river café book and was basically cavolo nero, cream and garlic, but transformed through technique into one of the most delicious things ever. It did take over an hour and involve four separate pans and the Magimixthough, so I would have been disappointed if it had been anything less than stunning. If you’re interested in trying it the recipe is here (I cut the quantities down to 1 third for the sauce which I found ample for 250g of spaghetti – the pasta amount they recommend if for starter portions with a sauce to pasta ratio that would be inedibly rich as a main course). I think kale would be almost indistinguishable from cavolo nero and much more readily available, and the recipe calls for 2 to 3 chillis rather than 23.

Not as posh as the Savoy.

Perhaps 23 chillies would have been more suitable for your chilli last night. I’ve suffered at the hands of the mysterious non-hot chilli phenomenon before. It’s weird. I’ll have packed a chilli with up to 10 chillies and still it’ll end up as meek and timid as a new born bush-baby. I think a lot of it is down to the unpredictability of the heat contained within individual chillies (I’ve also had the opposite, when a pasta sauce, for example, will be insanely fiery after just 1 chilli). I also suspect that an over long cooking time can temper the heat of an initially respectable chilli, and the inclusion of fire extinguishing starchy elements (like your potatoes and beans) can also have an emasculating effect. The only answer is to prepare some Liquid Fire while the chilli is cooking by stewing at least 10 dried birds eyes in a little water and oil. Then, each diner can tailor their chilli’s power to their own palette by adding a teaspoon at a time of the Fire to their portion.